Be still, be silent, be sure, she said. Holding hands, alone in prayer, in a knot. I kneeled. I don’t pray anymore. I don’t know if I wish I did. I haven’t gone to confession in decades, I don’t know if I think I want to go. I’ll never forget how before First Holy Communion Monsignor Cross said over and over to us in the week leading up to the Bishop’s arrival. Don’t chew the Eucharist. It’s not a cookie. Don’t chew the Eucharist. Let it dissolve on your tongue. I wish it were so for you for me you were like the eucharist I wanted to be able to mean I no longer know why.